Aunt Lee and Me-Part l

I didn’t think I would be staying with Aunt Lee as long as I ended up being there.

When she called, she said she was poorly and needed some help and would I mind helping her out for a spell, as she put it.  Since it meant time with her, I was more than agreeable–even though she only had an old desk top computer that was running XP–packed up my stuff and DC and headed West.

When I arrived, she told me the full story…bad biopsy, operation scheduled, what may and may not happen.  We spent two days in a flurry of doctor visits and lab tests being done and getting her Living Will updated.  The night before we had a lovely meal early in the evening, went to bed and rose early to make the 60 minute trip to the hospital where her specialist practiced.

i don’t like hospitals.  I don’t like the sounds or smells or the pain you can’t prevent your loved ones from suffering.  Both Anne and Bud had a hospital stay when they were small…I remember fitting myself into the crib to hold them at night, forcing my love and will into a stream of energy that I hoped would make them better.  Now, I had my beloved Aunt Lee in a bed in pre-op, stuck with tubes, looking terribly frail and suddenly old.  I chatted with her, bringing up wicked family gossip that makes us both laugh, the curtain opened and she was wheeled away.

I did what I always do under stress–I ate.  And read.  And had a candy bar.  And prayed.  Sent text messages to the children.  Waited.  Played Candy Crush Saga on my iPad.  Waited.  When her surgeon came out, I did something you see in movies–I jumped up and the wrappers and my purse and the iPad and everything in my purse fell to the ground all around me.

“She’s fine.”, he said.  ”We got everything, I took the surrounding tissue and it has been sent off, but, no sign in her nodes.  Right now, I have no reason to have her do chemo or radiation.”

He was my hero.  People (me) say surgeons have a God complex…at that point I was glad they do, for the two of them, God and the doctor, had saved my Aunt Lee.

I was there when she woke up, gave her sips of water, held her hand and kept a cool cloth on her forehead.  She likes a cool cloth on her forehead when she is ill.  She slept quite a bit…surgery is hard on you, and at her age, it is extremely difficult to recover.   She advanced to regular food, with intermittent bouts of nausea.  On the fifth day they sent her home.  Fifteen miles from the hospital, I had to pull over so she could throw up.

It was the beginning of  a long difficult recovery.

Pay Up or Else

For my friend, Lisa.

 

Where I Go to Help Aunt Lee

I’m leaving, not on a jet plane, but in my sturdy car, to go see Aunt Lee for an extended period of time. She’s not feeling well, and I offered to come stay with her for a bit until she’s feeling better. She doesn’t have internet, so, my in touchness with all will be via my phone which is far smarter than I am, thus, I can’t always make it work properly.

DC is coming with me. Aunt Lee likes her and she likes Aunt Lee, so, we’ll all be content with tons of movies both in DVD and on Demand (Aunt Lee does like her movies), gallons of tea, and hours of family gossip.

I also plan on baking some.

Doesn’t that sound like a great time away? To go from being low to time with my Aunt is a blessing for me, and it’s one I’m never tired of having. God is good to me in that sense, as well as many others, including all of you in my life.

Be good(ish) and I’ll continue to read via phone and hopefully master commenting by the same device.

See you in a few weeks!

Black Box Warnings

Le Clown asked me to be part of Black Box Warnings–here is my contribution.

A Virtual Dinner

In October, I was tagged to be ‘host’ to a special dinner by The Wanderlust Gene (who writes really lovely posts), and, in being tagged to host said virtual dinner, I am now going to host my own event. It was difficult to sort out who I’d like to have there to chat with, to listen to, to make this meal memorable. Of course, all of the bloggers I read each day would be my first choice, however, I’m limited to five people. I’ll take History and Literature for $1000, Alex, and we’ll all pretend they aren’t dead, mmmm’kay?

Here are the actual rules:

– Five guests and oneself. While relatives are permitted, it will be more interesting if guests are public figures – dead or alive, speaking any language – or even fictional characters.

– In turn, tag five others to hold Virtual Parties of their own.

Here goes:

Caterina Sforza–I first read of Caterina in a biography of Cesare Borgia. Later, I watched as the history I’d read about was re-enacted on the show, The Borgias. Caterina was born in 1463, and was raised being taught by the same tutors as her brothers, thus, her education was varied and intense. She was also raised to respect her warrior ancestors. She was forceful and militant, willing to take on even the Pope in defending her property and titles. Married at 10, she had her first child at 14 and subsequently bore five more over the years. Married three times, she was imprisoned by both the Borgias and by her own in-laws, the de’Medici family. Oh, those de’Medicis!! Caterina daubed in alchemy, was a voracious reader, a woman who took lovers in a time when that was only supposed to be done by men, who killed those who crossed her, protected her castles and saved her children’s inheritance by her bold actions on the battle field. I think she’d be swell to spend time with, discussing life, war and the Borgias.

Atticus Finch Why? Because I strongly believe if we all had a bit of Atticus in our souls, we’d not have war and we’d be a better species.

My Dad So I could see him again, and talk about all the things I want to discuss with him. I’d love to see him interact with these other guests, because my dad was a Renaissance Man. He was a talented vocalist, he could build a house, he created art with stained glass, he was able to discuss any subject intelligently with anyone. And, as I said, I miss him.

Beethoven I want to know how you write a symphony as moving as the 9th when you are deaf. Do you see the notes? Do you have synesthesia? Why are your odd numbered symphonies more powerful than the even numbered ones? Tell me everything.

Napoleon He conquered Europe and changed the way France dealt with the Government and the People. He was relentless in his pursuit of power and wealth, and did whatever it took to put him in a position of power and wealth. Here is a man who took the crown from the Pope and placed it on his own head, making himself Emperor of France. I read The Age of Napoleon by Will Durant when I was 12, and I remember being so impressed that Napoleon knew so much about his troops, making them feel part of his world. I also would like to ask how he felt about Jean Bernadotte (who not only married Napoleon’s first fiancee, Desiree Clary, but, was adopted by the King of Sweden and later was crowned King Carl Johan. The Royals of Sweden are descended from Jean and Desiree and from the Empress Josephine by way of her daughter from her first marriage.). Plus, his personality labeled following generations of short, aggressive men as having a Napoleonic Complex.

Now the hard stuff–officially nominating five people to host their own party.

A Gripping Life–Lisa has a wonderful way of talking about life. I’d love to see who she’d have over for those discussions.

Guap–the selections of people and food and music will be eclectic.

Brigitte–She has a way with words and events. Plus, she baked me a cake.

HF–will all of his choices be literary folk?

NBI–I’d love to hear whom a bright, talented university student would pick to have over to dinner.

I’d also love those who read this bit of blathering to say who they’d have over for dinner. I hope you’ll let me know.

Here I Discuss Me

I was going to do a post about my snoring like a lumberjack, the amusing tale of when I had the sleep study done, my embarrassment over my nighttime noises–and, I’m too low to be even slightly amusing, I’m afraid.

I am bi-polar. As I said before, this doesn’t mean I have homes at both ends of the globe, it means I suffer from manic/depressive behavior, which can rule my life. Hell, who am I kidding, it does rule my life. I am well medicated, thankyouverymuch, and manage to live a fairly normal.ish life these days, but, it’s taken years. It has blossomed in my past–forcing me to not be able to leave my house for a long, long time, I blame it for my OCD tendencies and anxieties, it can make me weep for no reason in the middle of the day in a patch of sunlight or spend too much money.

Being bi-polar can keep me awake for days if I allow it to happen, by not taking my medications. The highs are so tempting, so full of color and sparkle that you feel that is where you are supposed to be–up there in the clouds, laughing and enjoying life. Unfortunately, the down side is hitting the ground hard, finding you’ve gone over budget in everything, in a fight with your money manager (I was smart enough to get one of those), ignoring the needs of your children then over compensating. Getting that balance is so difficult, there are days I spend each minute struggling to maintain a steady course.

I am easily wounded. I vacillate between worrying if I’ve offended and not caring. Mostly, I worry. I stress if I’ve crossed lines I don’t know exist that others see. I am a social dunce. I am bright, but, have little ambition. I can be amazingly funny, and not remember a thing I said at a party the next day–my mania drains me completely and it also drains those around me. A friend once said, “I love going places with you, no one is funnier, but, by the time you leave, I can’t move from energy drain being around you.”. I’m not sure it’s a compliment.

I’ve gone through a ton of medicinal cocktails and have had my stints in hospitals. I’m not proud of that, but, I’m not ashamed–it is who I am. I can say that my disease has created children that are compassionate, kind, understanding, dear and patient. They have their moments of anger at me, I’m not going to pretend otherwise, still, in dealing with me, they’ve learned people have situations they cannot control, and therefore, they are far more willing to try and comprehend rather than judge.

I worry I’ve passed along these genes of manic/depression along with brown eyes and curly hair. My symptoms started when I was in high school…so far, neither of my two twentysomething children display either side of the spectrum, so, I may have worried for naught. Still, one never knows, and, I struggle to deal with the guilt should it pass along to grandchildren. It would be my fault if they suffered as I have with this.

There are times I’m still not willing to discuss publicly, even here among my ‘Hood…times of deep depression and how low I was when I divorced. I think Richard Fariña said it best in the title of his novel, Been Down So Long it Looks Like Up to Me. Times of not sleeping for days and doing crazy things… although I am proud to say I never did anything I was morally ashamed of doing, and that says quite a bit.

So, right now, I’m down for a bit. I’m laying low, trying to be semi-amusing in comments and failing miserably. Hang in there, please. I’ll be back soon enough, and, not too far out of the zone.

What I’m Doing This New Year

Last year, I wrote this piece, calling the upcoming year TwoThousand and Shelve (or TwentyShelve). It was a year to put aside things done or things we ache over or things that have caused us hurt over the years. I’d like to think I’ve done quite a bit of that, and, thus, accomplished my goal. I also realize I was a lot more amusing a year ago than I am now.

*sigh*

I digress.

Lots of things have happened to both myself and those in my life, both 3D and in my BlogHood. I’ve watched friends wrapped in joy (I’ll Sleep When They’re Grown and ….& Squatch Makes Three) with the arrival of new babies (welcome, A2 and Squatch!), friends who have gone through a tough year (they know who they are, no links given), friends who’ve made me laugh (all of you!!) and cry (a few). I’ve seen jobs come and go, a novel written, and bloggers go on semi-hiatus (Lisa and Harper).

I’ve met new friends, including Le Clown and his group of carnies, and dropped a few from my blogroll (as if they noticed!).

I’ve gone back to the zoo–still no lions, tigers or elephants. I’ve no idea where the hell they’ve hidden those animals, but, I’m starting to eye the snack stand and refused to have a hot dog on our last trip there. One never knows, do one?

I didn’t get a dog, it wasn’t fair to DC. If I’m truthful, it’s more than I want to take on just now. Cats are a breeze, dogs require a bit more work, and I’m not emotionally prepared to do that just now.

I saw my Aunt Lee and she and I had great fruitcake along with tea and more than one glass of sipped whiskey. It was my best vacay in years. I won’t consider life without her in it–I pray I won’t have to face life without her in it for a long, long time.

I’ve made some peace with Surviving Parent. Not a ton, but, some.

I continue to think I have the best kids ever, even if they don’t understand the inheritibility of the Piece of Cloth Touched by a Christian that was left to me. They still insist I should leave it to the other one. I’m fortunate that SonInLaw is also a keeper, and a hell of a man to put up with me as a relative he’s attached to by marriage.

I’ve openly admitted my bi-polar disorder, something I’ve hidden away, opening up to only a handful either in 3D Land or in the ‘Hood. I found out I won’t be shunned–that’s a good thing. I learned long ago some people don’t grasp my way of thinking or speaking or how the flow of my words follows my restless mind.

I’m taking all I learned, and putting it into 2013 (the first year since 1987 with all different numbers in the date!). I plan on going out more, seeing Aunt Lee again, trying my hand at various artistic endeavors, seeing more movies, reading more books, being kinder. I don’t see myself as a giving person nor one who is particularly kind, so, that last bit is important to me.

I wish all of you a wonderous year to come. I love New Year’s Day! It’s all about possibilities and potential. A chance to take a deep breath and imagine good things. The year of Shelving is done. Let’s focus on what is to before us–finding joy in the fact the Mayans were wrong.