DISCLAIMER: Yes, this is a repost. I apologize I’m digging into my meager vault, but, it’s the most Christmas thing I could think of.
Biff and Edna were so stunned by the sight on the front lawn, they stood still for what seemed like 14 days, even though it was really only 14 seconds. The time/space continuum was nothing they’d understand, so, why go into it now?
When Biff yelled at Edna to grab a camera, she pulled her 2002 Sprint Sanyo out of the pocket of her robe. Sure, Biff and the kids had upgraded to ‘smart phones’, but, Edna figured when something you own, be it animal or electronic, is smarter than you are, it’s best to stick with the basics. Based on this belief and Biff’s insistence on handling the family money, the Gunther family pet was a ceramic cat with Chia ‘fur’ and they worked on an HP computer built in 1998 hooked up to a dot matrix printer. The children, Mavis and Sonny, played ‘Pong’ when they could get their 36 minutes of TV use every day while Biff showered.
The TV and cable were top of the line because Biff relied on those things to one day build his empire. Currently, he had hopes Delta Burke would represent Biff’s Boffo Bouffants, a device that went directly on a follically challenged area, attaching by means of a Velcro like tape onto another tape that was glued to the skin. The Bouffant would be covered by whatever hair was available on the wearer’s scalp. Biff himself wore the Bouffant every day, using the back portion of his skullet to cover the Bouffant, effectively producing the look of a full head of hair. Or so everyone told him. In actuality, it resembled the absolute worst version of a comb-over ever, and Ms. Burke’s people would put the prototype on various objects, covering them with paper or straw or dust, and create pretend commercials. Fortunately, Biff hadn’t discovered this sham of his prized invention, and he carried on his dream.
Edna used the phone and shot a photo of the object resting there on the lawn. Biff slowly walked towards the pile of paper and ribbon and what appeared to be antlers. From beneath the mess came a slow, steady stream of cursing accompanied by a scrabbling sound. Boxes moved, a large bag of coal was slung out from the enlarged hole, and following it was a little old driver who should have been lively and quick. Yes, it was indeed, St. Nick.
“Who in the Sam Hill put a *$@)% bikini wearing inflatable reindeer with a red nose top of their @#&^house? That damn Rudolph thought it was flirting with him and headed straight for it, the $&*#(# fool! Ran us straight into the damn thing!! I told Bea I didn’t care how much that #*@&^ reindeer could do with his %*$@ nose, there was something wrong in his head!! Now look at this ##@#* mess! Hey!! HEY!! You!! You with the Sanyo!! Put that thing down or I swear you’ll never get more than Snuggies® for the rest of your holidays!!”
Edna thought this over. She’d already purchased four different colors of the Snuggie®, so, she didn’t really consider this a threat. However, she was responsible for putting the little bikini on the inflatable Rudolph that was located on their roof, and, as that very same bikini clad inflatable Rudolph had lured the challenged in many ways real Rudolph to his untimely death, she felt it was best to stay quiet and put away the phone.
By this time, Mavis and Sonny had joined their parents on the lawn, and surreptitiously started nudging boxes that appeared to contain interesting items towards the untidy hedge that surrounded the yard. By their reckoning, they had managed to snag two iPads, a flat screen and winter sweaters that weren’t decorated with candy canes and didn’t come from boxes marked QVC.
Edna offered Santa a glass of eggnog and a slice of her homemade fruitcake, both liberally laced with bourbon. She and Biff sat on the front steps with him, waiting for his clean up team and replacement reindeer. They had a few minutes yet to go, when Santa borrowed a cigarette from Biff.
“What a job!”, he said, on his second glass of ‘nog. “I thought they were serious when they offered to let Tim Allen take over this position. I thought it was a documentary, you know, open up the North Pole, give them trade secrets, full access, all of that. All I had to do was pretend to die, and this Allen guy would take over. Let me tell you, once I found out it was a scam, a fictional movie, I made sure his career bombed, along with everyone who worked on that POS. If you ever meet one, ask them what Santa leaves under their tree. Ho. Ho. Bite me.”
Edna patted the rather beefy shoulder next to her while Biff sighed along with Santa, in a comradely way.
“Well, Santa, I think you do a heck of a job. I’m betting the Missus, Bea is it?, is happy as punch to have you home 364 days a year!”
“Bea is going through the change, and isn’t interested in my being home 364 days a year. I’d thought our ‘Middle Years’ would be full of her and I, you know, re-connecting. Mostly, she wants to scrapbook, do Pinterest and power walk. Let me tell you, power walking around the North Pole doesn’t work, and if I see one more album with little cut outs in it, I’ll burn it! But, she’s a great woman, and I’d not exchange her for anyone. She knows all about my little crush on Sally Field. She’d be perfect as Mrs Claus, those twinkly eyes and bright smile and she can fly! On my birthday, Bea will dress up like Sally, and, we, um, we–let’s just say Bea puts up with me and my cranky attitude and my moobs and she sticks around, even though I know she’d rather be with the grandkids in Boca.
Before either Edna or Biff could question the existence of Claus children (and grandchildren!), a sleigh appeared, fully equipped with eight functioning reindeer and in a twinkling, everything was transferred over, the old sleigh was zipped away, and the remains of Rudolph, still smiling from his last embrace with the now deflated bikini wearing Rudolph, was put into a bag and removed.
“Thanks for listening, you two. I’m not going to prosecute the kids for those gifts they took (with this, he glared at Sonny and Mavis) nor will I raise a fuss over the inflatables on the roof. Be good to each other, make good choices and, Biff? That Bouffant thing is never going to work. Move on, Biff. Move on.”
Santa climbed into his sleigh, mumbling about forgetting his BenGay for his knees, and called to his new team, “Now, Chauncy! Now, Neddy! Now Teddy and Ricky! On, Zander! On, Barney! On, Tyrone and Mickey! Get off of this lawn, and away from all this! Now, fly away, fly away, I’m late as it is!”
With that, they sleigh lifted off at a slightly wobbly angle (which Edna blamed on Santa’s snacks) and moved away at a rapid pace. She and Biff stood there, hearing his last words to their family, “#@#*^#%@*!!!”, then, turned to go back into the house. The front door shut on Biff cranking up the TV, the kids trying to steal internet connection signals from next door, and Edna smiling to herself, knowing their lives would never be the same. She had that photo on her trusty phone, and, in the morning, would be talking to a lawyer regarding its sale. She lit up again, dialed a number and said, “Betty? Have I got something to tell you!!”